Fem!Germany - Unexpected, unconditional

For a long time, it had been only the two of us, Miss Crazy Italia and me living in this house. It had been a relatively peaceful lifestyle, I had only had to put up with her occasional hyperactivity, other times her laziness, and her big mouth that sometimes had seemed to never stop chattering. Most of the time I liked her company though. She had been my distraction from the daily stress, sometimes she had even managed to bring me shopping, but I had rather only been her shopping bag carrier.

Once I let her go on holidays alone, she flew back to her beloved Italy for a few weeks. Then she came home, later we went shopping again... And I didn't like the way she spent so much time looking at baby clothes. Way too much time. And if that wasn't enough, she suddenly looked so desperate and anxious, I grabbed her hand and dragged her home immediately before she started crying with a baby sock in her hand.

At home followed the questioning. What the hell was that at the shop? And she didn't talk, she stayed silent, she kept looking down, chewing on her lip and fidgeting with her fingers. So I yelled... I figured it out by myself easily, and I kept shouting the nastiest things I could think of at her. She came home with a baby in her tummy, and I was as angry as never before. I called her and her child terrible things, and she still didn't say a thing, but I have never seen anyone sob the way she did then. She was hysterical, completely devastated, and she shook so much, it was bad to look at her.

"And what the fuck am I going to do with you now, huh?!"
"I don't know, Moni, I don't know!"

In my anger I left her there, and after she cried herself to sleep at the kitchen table, I carried her into bed. Damn my good heart.

I hated the idea of having a child in my house, the last thing I wanted is someone else, especially a baby to turn my life upside down. Why would I want a crying mess near me? I had already had Feli. And she didn't have the courage to speak or look at me for a week at least. And that week I had the hardest workout sessions of my life, I had to find a way to relieve the stress she brought without hurting her. We were strangers living together for that time.

Unfortunately that couldn't go for long. So I took her by the hand, drove her to the hospital and gave her to the doctor.

And then I took her shopping. Some fast food as the sign of peace, maternity clothes, and a set of yellow baby socks that nearly made her cry the last time. We hadn't even needed new clothes or anything yet, but I didn't know in what other way I could have shown her that I would be there for her, even if what she did was completely dumb. She needed support, and I had to give it to her.

As much as I hated the thought of a baby, I could feel nothing but sudden unconditional love for that innocent infant of hers when I first held her in my arms next to Feli's hospital bed. The blame is not on you, little girl. How could I hate you? I stroked her cheeks carefully, under the gaze of her caring mother, and I suddenly remembered all the nasty things I said the evening I got to know she was there, and I've felt nothing but guilt. She was a beautiful, healthy little lady.

I had never thought I would end up feeling that way for her daughter. I had never expected myself to willingly rock and sing a baby to sleep when Ita was way too exhausted to even make a move. I hadn't known I'd grow so fond of her, that I would take her to the nursery holding hands, or that I'd whack a guy in the face with a wet umbrella so hard he fell back because he stood unreasonably close to my child. I didn't like his creepy face either. He evaporated from the scene pretty quickly after that. That was his luck. Ita still doesn't know. She's turning six this month.

"Good morning." I suddenly feel small arms on my thigh and I jump slightly, I was too deep in thoughts to notice she came out of the room. My coffee has got cold as well.
"Good morning." I give her a pat on her head, and she looks up at me with a smile and mesmerizing brown eyes, same ones as her mother has. She's standing on tiptoes and holding onto my thigh still.
"Is Mum still sleeping?"
She nods.
"Yes. But I'm hungry." She pouts, her cheeks suddenly looking adorably puffy. I cannot help smiling and I scoop her up and hold her to my side on my way to the fridge.
"What about toast? I've got jam."
"Okay. And cocoa."
"What do you think I came to the fridge for?" I push the fridge door closed with my foot, put the milk on the counter, and make breakfast for the both of us, Feli will be asleep for another couple of hours today. And I don't let go of her, I keep her in my arm the whole time. She's my baby as well. And this small version of Feliciana has showed me a kind of affection I've never thought I'd ever feel. This silly, little Italian monkey hanging on me is my greatest treasure. She makes me feel warmth inside me. In her clumsy little hands she holds my heart, and I'm somehow thankful that I can love her a way I was loved before She left. I owe her that much.